Monday, May 05, 2008,11:59 am
hahah , sorry about the last post.
in the end we couldnt rent the room ,
so we just sat down and read the same book . haha ,
been having quite a turbulant mess of emotions since my last blog .
which was like only friday ?
i've been living on a dream this weekend ,
a very unreal dream.
i havent woken up,
when will i ?
anyway , long story short.
i missed training and match with tp to go for the AI conference .
at first i was a little uncertain ,
but val really made it seem like something i wont regret.
and im blessed to say i didnt ,
i dont , i still dont (:
it was a powerful message ,
and i really felt God send me a message ,
not directly talk to me i guess.
but i felt a finger pointing me .
Dr clemen Chiang.
he shared about GIVING IS BLESSING.
with the building fund and all.
i guess it was right timing ,
but more importantly , i felt God telling me about things i've be doubtful about the past year.
like , whether to go back to coa ,
Dr chiang said.
we CANT serve two churches at once.
well, not that i'm really serving but , you get the idea.
it was an answer straight to my face,
i had always thought it was okay ,
since i wasnt backsliding,
BUT THEN he said something else,
that a christian that wasnt serving in church ,
is a disgrace, stagnant.
may as well not go to church at all.
because all you're doing is receiving.
not giving
thats when it struck me.
firstly that i have to choose one church ,
and secondly.
my choice should be on the basis of which church i could serve and make a greater impact in,
not which one could make my life easier.
then i felt him say one more,
that it was time i stop giving excuses ,
get off my butt and just go back for a visit .
to make a decision .
so i decided to go back to coa today .
with it being ascension day and all.
it was a good excuse.
this morning i became reluctant again,
my laziness working again .
but yiling was the one who convinced me
she literally dragged me up.
and she told me she wouldnt let me stand alone .
thanks (:
it wasnt that bad.
pastor gilbert's message i felt was a little toned down and weird.
but all in all ,
it felt quite warm and homey to be back.
like that ring you've been craving to hear that brings back so much.
i would be lying if i said it wasnt weird.
i looked forward to see some people,
but others still felt a little weird and fake to me.
and most were just awkward few liner conversations .
i cant expect everything to be perfect after saying nothing for the past two years.
but at least i know they'll never shun me.
they'll never treat me as an outsider .
and i'm glad .
i just have to decide what can happen from here.
will i be happy ?
can i serve ?
can i grow ?
i dont know seriously.
on the other hand ,
zhilin and val and the rest have been really helpful in helping me through my spiritual insecurities .
they're always so confident and on fire for God.
and their services rock !
i've learnt alot seriously (:
but somehow , being in a big church has always made me feel inadequate.
i dont know ,
part of me always feel like i've fallen short .
like i can never make up.
Lord, help me ):
i need to take a risk ,
beside that,
i've been floating in absymal ignorance these few days .
i think i'm pms-ing.
i'm just floating ,
heartofGodchurch